On My Own
by Mondlerlove
Summary: Joint fic. No one knows the battles Monica is facing, the emotions she is feeling and the disorders she is struggling with. She is truly on her own. CM together Please read and review. Joint fic by Amy lucy.spiller.matt.albie & Rosie Mondlerlove. Ch 4 up.
1. Chapter 1

Authors: Amy (lucy.spiller.matt.albie), and Rosie (Mondlerlove)

A/N: We will be alternating chapters. Chapter one is done by Amy, and then I am doing chapter two. So on, and so forth. So it will be under my name for the chapters she's posted, and for the ones that I have posted, but it is completely a joint project. We hope you like it!!

This story is about Monica and is rather sad. It is basically her life breaking down and her being totally on her own – hence the title.

Disclaimer: We don't own anything…

Chapter One

As Monica made dinner, the television set was turned on in the room, with Chandler, and Joey sitting on the couch. She hadn't had a really good day at all, and she hoped it would get better as the night progressed. Glancing over she realized that Chandler and Joey's ex girlfriend, Kathy was in the movie they were watching. She breathed in, and couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy in the pit of her stomach. As Monica stirred the pot in front of her, she heard this conversation, as she pretended she didn't hear.

"Oh my god why did you ever let her go Chandler!? I don't get it man; you shouldn't have let her go really." Joey said to Chandler.

Chandler nodded. "I know her body is just... so amazing, I don't get it, why can't every woman be like this?" Chandler said pointing to the screen, as Joey nodded.

Hearing this, Monica swallowed rather hard, and finished up dinner, as she sat the table. "Dinner's ready you guys." She said setting it all down on the table. Monica sat down in one of the chairs in the kitchen, and looked at them, as they came to the table.

"Man this is really good Monica, thanks!" Joey said, as he shoveled down his food. Monica and Chandler didn't notice, as they were used to this, and Joey was always eating in large amounts and eating quite quickly.

Eating slowly, Monica looked over at them, and smiled as Joey left. Monica looked over at her husband, and took his hand. "Hey.. how was your day? We haven't really had a chance to talk." Monica said as she looked at her small amount of food on her plate, then back up into Chandler's blue eyes.

"My day was fantastic.. but I saw Janice today." Chandler sighed, and rolled his eyes. "It's like that woman stalks me or something!" He said and took a bite of his food.

Monica laughed, and sighed. "I am so sorry sweetie." She said and then looked at him. "I don't get why we see her all the time, it really gets old!" Monica said, and breathed out, still thinking of what Chandler and Joey had been talking about before.

"I know what you mean, I really don't get it." Chandler said, and shrugged.

"Are you bored?" Monica said noticing he was getting a little antsy to leave. She sighed, and looked into his eyes. "You can go to Joey's." Monica told him, and nodded, giving him permission to go.

Chandler kissed her, and left their apartment.

Monica got up slowly from her seat, and took her not touched plate of food, and washed every dish. Putting them all away, Monica sat at the table, and felt her belly subconsciously. Looking around, with the comments of Joey, and her husband still very fresh her mind, she walked to the bathroom, and opened the toilet lid. She kneeled down before it, and stuck a finger down her throat, making a decision that would change her life, forever.

So that's the end of Chapter 1 – we hope you enjoyed it. Chapter 2 will be up soon. Thanks! Please read and review. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Monica stood, alone in the bathroom, looking at the toilet she had just flushed. She felt a strange sense of pride in what she had done, and viewed the experience as victorious.

Turning to face the mirror, she caught a glimpse of herself and was shocked at how drained her face was - her usual rosy cheeks had gone, and her face was unmistakably pale, highlighting her watery, red eyes – another result from the experience. However, her facial appearance was certainly not going to deter her. No, knowing that Chandler would be back from Joey's soon, she applied some foundation which managed to successfully add color back into her face. Looking down at her stomach, she suddenly saw everything she had tried to evade for so many years.

She was overweight. Fat.

F-A-T.

Fat. There was no mistaking it. It had gotten so bad, she was able to squeeze the excess skin on her body. God, she really was disgusting. No wonder, Kathy had so much of Chandler's attention – she was gorgeous, and more importantly thin, and Monica was plain and overweight.

Walking out of the bathroom, Monica decided she wasn't gonna eat snacks in between meals. Sure it would be hard, what with her laying out snacks for her friends every night and the frequent visits to Central Perk, but she would just keep engaged in conversation or just claim she had to work or something – that way it would work.

Popping some gum into her mouth, she did what she did best, and began to clean, in the hope that it would take her mind off the hunger pangs she was experiencing. A little while later, Chandler breezed in, after having a fairly successful game of foosball with Joey – he lost, but only by 4 goals which was rather an achievement for Chandler.

As he sat down on the couch, Monica came out of the bathroom, cleaning utensils in hand. Chandler smiled to himself: he found it so adorable the way cleaning made Monica so happy, she was so sweet. Chandler called Monica over to him, and as she went to sit down next to him, he pulled her into his lap.

Normally, Monica would have loved sitting in his lap, and cozying up to him, but now it was different. She suddenly felt very self-conscious and aware of how heavy she was, and how she was probably weighing him down. For Monica, the situation had suddenly become all very uncomfortable, and whilst she didn't let anything on to Chandler, she quickly got up, excusing herself to get them drinks.

Later that night, as Chandler slept with his arm round her, like always, Monica still had that anxiety in her. She really didn't feel like herself anymore and she couldn't believe that Chandler liked holding such a huge person. Wriggling gently out of his grasp, she lay on her side of the bed, and wept quietly, until she fell asleep.

X

Since she had skipped breakfast in favor of going for a run around Central Park, it was understandable that Monica was indeed rather peckish. She had arranged to meet Rachel and Phoebe in Central Perk for lunch, and it was while she was in the shower, that she figured how she could get out of eating under their watchful eye.

Tired from her exercise and no food, she walked fairly quietly into Central Perk which was pretty empty, only to find Rachel and Phoebe already there, talking about someone they didn't realize was overhearing…

X

"Oh yeah, so I was thinking to myself the other day, which one of us do you think will be the next to go through something big?" Phoebe wandered casually. Even though she was one of the world's greatest psychics, she wanted to know what Rachel thought on the matter since she was closer to Ross, with who big things usually happened.

"Well what do ya mean Pheebs?" Rachel asked, curious as to what her friend was getting at.

"Y'know – something big, like a marriage, or a proposal or y'know Ross getting divorced or something, or, oh - A baby!" Phoebe exclaimed the final part of her sentence rather loud as she realized that that could be pretty likely, since two of her best friends were shacked up together.

"Oh I don't know hun, but since Ross isn't married, I don't think he'll be divorcing quite yet"

At this, Phoebe looked rather shocked. "You mean he isn't married? Well how come? – This is Ross! He is always married!" In all the years she had known Ross, he was never really single for that long at all, he always had something going on, so this was strange.

It was then that Monica walked in, unbeknownst to the duo.

"Oh do you think Monica's pregnant?" Phoebe said genuinely – she wasn't joking around. Monica and Chandler were married and it wasn't long before she would be pregnant. And they both knew how desperate the couple were to have a few Bings of their own.

"Monica pregnant? Hmm, that's hard to tell" Rachel pondered. It wasn't because she had put on weight or anything, it was merely because Monica hadn't informed Rachel that they were trying, and Monica and Rachel's sister-chat sessions were where everything was talked about.

"Yeah – I'm not sure either – she could be…" Phoebe thought aloud. She hoped her friends were, she really wanted happiness for them, they had been through quite a bit already, though their relationship was unbelievably strong.

X

The words rang through Monica's ears loud and shrill. "_Hard to tell", "I'm not sure either – she could be"_. Was she really that big? That big they thought she was pregnant? Something really had gone wrong with her, if Rachel and Phoebe had thought that, even Rachel, who Monica brought up to speed on everything.

As Monica had heard and processed these thoughts, she blocked out any other noise and only focused on her thoughts. Of course, subsequently she missed them saying how she didn't look pregnant, and how it was just them wondering – there was no evidence to the matter. But she missed all this.

Trying to put it past her (for the time being) she approached the counter and ordered her lunch - a brewed Lemon Tea from Gunther. Turning around, it was only then Rachel and Phoebe noticed her, and general pleasantries and greetings were exchanged.

It was whilst the girls caught up with one another, that Monica played her trump card. She had set an alarm on her phone to go off, and she was going to disguise it as her cell ringtone. Everything went accordingly and a couple minutes later Monica's phone started ringing. She picked it up and answered the fake person.

"Hello, Monica Geller…yes…oh…I see…right…I'll be in right away…no you stay there…Yep...okay…thanks…bye"

"Whoa Mon, was that work?" Rach asked worriedly. It felt like now Monica was in married bliss, they didn't spend as much time with each other, and Monica was Rach's best friend so she missed her. But work was work and Rach knew how much Monica's work meant to her, so she let it go.

After making her apologies for not being able to make their lunch and bidding them goodbye, Monica left Central Perk, not quite sure of what she should do. It was as she was walking up to her apartment, that she suddenly felt rather queasy. Shrugging it off, she continued her way up the stairs until she could physically go no longer, she felt so bad. Managing to withhold the contents of her stomach in her, she staggered inside, before literally throwing herself into the bathroom.

Breathing heavily, she wondered why it was she felt so sick. Was it just a side effect of making herself throw up last night? Was her body now confused? But no, because when she had done it all those years ago, briefly, that had never happened. Sure it was only the odd chocolate bar or donut, she had thrown up instead of a full blown meal this time, but Monica had an instinct that it wasn't that.

Suddenly she had a thought. A worrying thought. Forgetting all nauseous feelings, she ran out to get her purse and located her diary. Checking off the days, she realized something.

She was late.

Not just a few days. Late-late. Walking nervously back to the bathroom all thoughts of hunger were gone, as she anticipated what could be about to happen. She located what she wanted from the back of the closet, the secret part that Chandler didn't even realize existed.

Finding what she wanted she did what she had to and waited.

Waited.

God, if any 60 seconds was to go as slow as possible it was to be this. Trying to compose herself, Monica attempted to settle her thoughts, which right now were flying round in a whirlwind of chaos. But 'no' – Monica thought to herself – 'lets not think that yet. It can't be true. It can't be..It just'…

The alarm on her watch went off. It was time.

As if it were something you were not to look directly at she slowly picked it up at arm's reach. Inching it closer and closer to her, she kept one eye closed, almost as if something really terrible would happen when you made direct eye contact.

"It's now or never Mon" she said to herself, trying to calm her shaking body. On the count of three, she opened both eyes, and looked hard at the object.

She couldn't believe it.

It was positive.

She, Monica Geller, was pregnant.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the delay guys!! Thanks so much for the reviews. This is Chapter 3 and it is written by Amy (lucy.spiller.matt.albie). We hope you enjoy it!

There was no way in hell that she was going to tell her husband that she was pregnant. She couldn't tell him, Monica didn't want to tell him. She knew how he would react, she knew he would think she was fat because she was pregnant. She couldn't let him get to her, but yet he still was, and if she told him that she was pregnant with his baby, she knew it would just get worse. With all of that Monica felt worse about her body. She had two things to hide now, and it was going to get even harder for her to loose the weight. Sure she had some self confidence left in herself, but that seemed like it was slowly disappearing right before her eyes, and she had no idea why. Monica walked shakingly to the tiolet, and stuck her finger slowly down her throat, and gagged, as she pushed it again, to make it worse. Once she was done throwing up, she flushed the tiolet, and stood up. Monica put her hand over her mouth, and threw the test into the trash, after wrapping it in tiolet paper.

Walking out of the bathroom, she saw Chandler walk in the door. "Hey." He said softly, and smiled at her, giving her a quick hug and a peck on the mouth. "How was your day?" Chandler asked Monica with a small smile, that seemed to be glued on his face.

"Fine I suppose, I am supposed to meet Rachel downstairs soon.." Monica said truthfully, and breathed in shallowly. Slowly pulling away from Chandler, Monica grabbed her purse, and walked out of the apartment quickly, and almost silently. Once in Central Perk, she walked up to the couch, and sat down slowly. A few minutes later, Rachel showed up, and Monica gave her a quick hug. "Hey sweetie, how are you?" She said shakingly, and returned to her seat on the orange couch.

"I am doing fine." Rachel sat down next to Monica, and shifted herself in the couch. "How are you doing?" Rachel asked, her looked into her best friend's eyes.

"I am doing good." Monica lied, as she was fighting the nausea from the morning sickness.

They were interrupted by Gunther who had a pad and a pen in hand, and asked them what they wanted. Monica ordered a tea, and Rachel ordered a coffee, and a muffin.

Once they had their food, Monica sipped slowly, and carefully from the cup of tea, and looked at Rachel, as Rachel began to speak. "God I hate this time of the year.. I am always putting on so much holiday weight." Rachel said, whining about the way she looked, when Monica looked at Rachel, and thought she looked better than she did, which was quite true. Monica shifted in her seat, and tried to be comfortable talking to Rachel, as Rachel continued to whine about her body. "I just hate it, with all the Turkey, and all the ham, and just all the food, it annoys me that I just put on so much weight." Rachel continued to blab on about her body, that had no fat on it what so ever, and Monica just nodded along with her. "Do you know what I am talking about Monica?" Rachel finally asked her in the middle of her fast-paced talking.

"Yeah, I guess I do." Monica said, and took another sip of her tea, and sat it down slowly.

"It'll come off won't it? I mean I work out, and try to eat healthy, but it always doesn't work.. why doesn't it always work?" Rachel asked, as she continued to talk quickly.

Monica shurgged. "I have no idea." Monica said, getting more and more uncomfortable. "I.. really don't know why, but you look great. I wish I looked like you." Monica stated to her, wishing that with all of her heart.

"Oh honey, you don't ever want to look like me, you have no idea what I look like under here, and quite frankly, you don't want to see it. So don't wish you looked like me... cause I, just don't okay?" Rachel said, and finally stood up. "Ahh crap. I have to go pick up Emma." With Rachel saying that, she was off, and going to pick up her daughter. Monica paid, and tipped Gunther, as she left all the food there, she walked up to an empty apartment. Monica ate a small yougurt, and a few grapes, twenty minutes later, she found herself in the bathroom, throwing up. As she made her way to her bedroom, she got into a pair of oversized sweats, and crawled under the covers. Feeling a little bit better about herself, but feeling kind of sick, she stared at the wall.

A little bit of time went by, and Chandler finally came home, and walked in. "Hey.." He said sitting himself on the edge of the bed, and took off his converse, putitng them away. "How was your day?" Chandler asked, knowing she was awake.

"Fine." Monica said, not looking at him, as her body was turned away from him. He slowly got into the bed, and went closer to her, wrapping his arms tightly around his wife, he kissed her thinning shoulder blade. Inhaling Monica's scent, he closed his eyes, and placed his hands on her belly. "How was your day?" She asked him feeling a little bit uncomfortable in everything now, she felt ugly to him, and to her friends.

"It was good." Chandler said, and breathed out, finally falling asleep, and Monica stayed awake for most of the night, thinking about her life, and the way that her body was going, but didn't care. She needed to look better, and needed to feel better about herself, and this was the only thing that was going to help her.

Hope you liked it. Please read and review. Chapter 4 will be up soon!


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys! Sorry for the delay in this, but here is Chapter 4! I wrote this one and I would simply love it if you would leave a review at the end, just to say what you thought of it! :D So enjoy!

Don't own any of the characters…

It had been almost a week and a half now, since Monica had found out she was expecting. And still no-one knew. That was the way she liked it – no one knowing. Apart from the fact that she wasn't sure if she even wanted this child, it gave her a sense of control, albeit secret, but she felt privileged at the fact she was hiding something from her friends and husband.

Weight-wise, Monica had gotten slimmer. She had dropped 10lbs from 122 to 112. At first, it had taken a while for any weight to come, but subsequently, the weight seemed to be disappearing at a faster rate, mainly because, it wasn't just snacks that came back up, but full meals. Though Monica wasn't happy. Looking in the mirror, she saw her old fat self looking back at her, pointing out all the different areas of her body which were simply too big. Thighs. Tummy. Upper arms. Chin. That needed to change. She didn't see much difference with herself – she could still stretch her tummy, her thighs and her cheeks, which obviously wasn't a good sign.

Deciding she would just put that aside, she walked out the bathroom and went to get herself a water bottle. As she was retrieving one from the fridge, she heard a knock on the door. Figuring, it wasn't one of the 5 who would just waltz in, she wandered unknowingly over, not really in the mood to see anyone in fact.

As she opened the door, she saw the person she wanted to see least of all.

Her mother.

"Hi mom" Monica forced a smile onto her face as she opened the door and came face to face with her.

"Oh hello Monica", Mon heard Judy reply – the disappointment evident in her voice. "Is Ross in?" Judy asked not-so-subtlety. It was clear that Judy had no intention of seeing Monica, she just wanted to see Ross.

"No mom, he's not. Have you tried his place?" Monica was beginning to get rather exasperated with her mother. She really could pick her moments. She was so sick of being ousted by Ross, being the failure of the family, the mistake-child.

Well of course I have dear. There really was no need for that silly question" Judy stated rather airily. "I suppose he's passionately lecturing some deprived children, enlightening them on the subject of dinosaurs" She wandered aloud about the son, she was proud to call her child.

As Monica heard Judy make that remark, a look of bemusement spread across her face. For whatever Ross had told Judy, was certainly not the truth.

Judy then turned around and properly looked at Monica for the first time she had entered her apartment. Surreptitiously looking her up and down, she began the first of what would be many critical judge-ments of Monica's appearance. Though Judy failed to realize that what she had already said and what she was about to say, would really change Monica's life in ways that no mother should dream of changing.

"So, tell me Monica, how is that diner place you waitress at going?" She asked, ignorant of the fact that that said job was actually a few years ago.

Exasperated Monica curtly replied "Actually mom, the Moondance was years ago. I'm currently head chef at Alessandro's. (Authors note: Time-scale wise I'm not sure if she was actually head-chef by this point, but it sounds better!!)

"Whatever you say dear, I'm sure that sounds… nice. Anyway, what on earth have you done to your face? It looks awfully tired. You know, my friend Ida may have some eye cream I can lend you. It would certainly help. And you know your ears are not your best feature – I mean how many times have I told you Monica? Its for your own good, believe me"

Monica stood still, letting the usual facial comments just wander past her. Her mom usually only insulted her face anyway. But it still hurt. However, it wasn't until Judy commented on something else, did Monica snap out of her trance.

"Have you put on a few pounds dear?" Judy again voiced her thoughts, and immediately Monica looked up in alarm.

"Wh-why, why would you think that?" Monica stammered, rather uneasily. She knew her face wasn't perfect, that had been drummed into her enough times. But her weight?

"Well, how should I say this" Judy began; clearly uneasy at what lay ahead. "It is just that, your clothes, say, don't flatter you, well, at all, and emphasize the ins and outs of your body" Judy uncomfortably rambled. What Judy didn't realize, was that the bumps that appeared from Monica's baggy sweater, was not from Monica's body at all, but from the way the material creased, but of course Judy didn't realize this and subsequently Monica now realized this false truth.

"I see" Mon stammered, suddenly busying herself with cleaning the work-top she had almost fallen on after hearing those words earlier.

"I wouldn't worry dear. Everyone goes through mid-life crises with their weight and their jobs around about your age. Say, how old are you now?" Judy spoke condescendingly but at the same time emotionless and ignorant of Monica's disbelief at her lack of knowledge of her age.

"Erm, 31." She spoke defiantly. "Don't you know that?" Her tone was almost accusing, but she was shaken at the fact she was going through some sort of crises. That would most definitely explain why Chandler wasn't attracted to her anymore and why she felt so bad in herself.

Choosing not to answer her difficult question, Judy decided it was time for her to go. Excusing herself, somewhat hurriedly, she hastily walked out the door of Mon's apartment leaving her shaken, confused and alone.

As Monica stood there, still holding onto the kitchen counter for support, thousands of thoughts came flying into and out of her head at once. There was however one thought that kept coming in over and over again – like an echo.

"According to her mother, she was overweight. 'They emphasize the outs of your body'. Judy's words replayed over and over again, that nasally critical voice being far too overplayed. But Monica couldn't get over it. Was that really what a mother was supposed to point out? Sure, her mom was never regular and never loved her for who she was, but even Judy didn't think better to point out those flaws? Or was that the point – they weren't just flaws. They were plain obvious to see and her mom was just doing her a favor by pointing them out. Yeah. That's what it was.

Strangely, Monica managed to reassure herself that her mother was right and that she was doing it for her own sake. But now she had gotten past that barrier, she had an even bigger one to face. Her weight.

Walking into her bedroom, she quickly changed into some sweats and decided that she would go for a jog around Central Park. That oughta nudge even just a few of those stubborn pounds off her body.

X

As she swiftly bounced up the last few stairs up to the apartment, she felt strangely good about herself. Almost too good. That jog had gone well and although it had been rather grueling toward the end, she had really pushed herself and done that extra bit. Monica just hoped that it would be rewarding some day.

Walking into an empty apartment, she was relieved there was indeed no-one there, as she didn't want to explain that she did infact have a day off and that she could have infact made lunch with Phoebe and Rachel if she hadn't have been "working".

Though Chandler, no Joey, had been in the apartment. And that was evident from the chocolate ice-cream that had rather carelessly been left on the table, spoon still in. Presumably Joey had realized he was running late for an audition, or some girl had phoned up. But it was too early for girls to ring him up, even at this hour, so Mon assumed it was an audition he had run off to.

But oh, looking at that ice cream, standing so sumptuously on the counter, she was so tempted. So, so tempted, just to, just to take one lick of the ice cream, just one petite lick of the ice cream. But could she? Could she really? How much difference would it make? Monica suddenly found herself asking all these tantalizing questions, as she absent mindedly walked toward the table and found herself almost pressed against it, gazing at the cartoon almost lustfully.

And then it was like that. One swift movement was all it took. One flash and Monica had grabbed the spoon, picked up some ice cream, and plunged it longingly into her mouth.

And then it hit her.

Hit her; what she had just done. Hit her; that she had been a complete idiot. So stupid as to even think she could do that.

And as she tasted the ice cream in her mouth still there, she felt sick. Gone was that familiar feeling of joy and comfort and replaced was a self-hatred, and a physical repulsion to what she had just done.

Why? Why had she been such a fool? Did she just think that she could give into temptation any time she wanted and that would be okay? That it wouldn't make a difference? Geez, the amount of waste she had just put into her body was too much. If she couldn't be strong now then what would she be like later, when this was all a distant memory? Cursing herself over, she picked up the carton with aggression, marched over to Joey's, not caring that someone could be at home, and chucked it onto the counter, not caring that some had come spilling out, and there was now a brown pool on the side. Not caring that she should really clean that up, and normally she would want to clean that up. No, she was determined to rid herself of all she had put in.

Shaking uncontrollably, she headed straight for the bathroom, and once in locked the door. Her hand, already stripped of watch, hair-ties and bracelets was at the ready. Flicking her hair back from around her face, she stuck two fingers straight in, not even hesitating before doing so. Pushing them further and further inside her mouth, she began to feel herself gagging. But that was good, she reminded herself, mentally scolding herself for even beginning to doubt what she was doing.

She pushed her fingers down and down her throat, more so than ever before and began to press down in the weaker places in her mouth. And then her body finally began to respond. Sensing what was coming, she quickly retrieved her fingers and awaited what was coming next. As she threw up, she mentally congratulated herself at succeeding in opening the gate, but she knew that it certainly wasn't over yet.

Four, five, six times. Monica felt huge loads be released from her body as she gripped hold of both sides of the toilet, to stop herself from falling over. If there was one negative to all of this, Monica thought, it was that it did make her feel very weak and almost dizzy after each 'bout'.

After she could throw up no more, Mon eased herself up from the crouching position she was in, and slowly turned to face the mirror. Washing some water over her pale and gaunt skin, in the hope to liven it up a little, she washed away some tears.

Tears of a woman who thought no-one cared for her.

Tears of a woman who felt so unattractive, she went to drastic measures to try and rectify that situation.

Tears of a woman, who shared so many secrets, had so many challenges to face, but no one to turn to for guidance.  
Tears of a woman who had little hope left in life.

Tears, that only Monica would see…


End file.
